For some reason though, the closer I got to Los Angeles the more I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was being foolish about this whole thing and Rose had been right all along. Maybe Michelle and I were totally wrong for each other. Maybe we could never have the kind of relationship that people can and should have with each other. I had half a mind to call up Nelly or Alan to see if I could talk to Tiffany or Steph because I wanted to find out if I could just as easily be going through all of this with one of them as I was with Michelle. But I refrained from calling anyone because such musings didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I was headed to LA to find out if I was going to be a father. Of course, that was the only reason I was doing this and that realization gave me pause. If a child was the only reason we were together we’d end up resenting each other. She would hate me for what I did to her and I would hate her for the fact that I had to become something I wasn’t ready to be.
We’d only be together, for however long or short, because of something we did rather than because of something we felt. If that was the case I could just as easily be driving to see Mary or the girl at the gas station. It really made me think about how and why people get together and stay together because some relationships are just based on something tangible like a child or money or even something intangible like convenience or not wanting to be alone. Those kinds of relationships exist for a specific reason but relationships built on reasons rather than emotions are doing everything backwards. That’s why I called Brian. He was a girlfriend guy which made me
wonder whether or not he felt something deeper. I wanted to know if there was more to his relationship than a need to have a girlfriend or if all you needed to have a successful relationship was a reason to have one. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about though. He said he loved his girlfriend and that above anything and everything else was the reason he was with her. Whether that was the reality or not didn’t matter because it was obviously what he believed. I wish things could be that simple for me. But they weren’t. I needed to know that I wanted to and was going to be with Michelle for reasons that went beyond her being pregnant or not. I needed to know that she and I were something special and that this wasn’t just about randomness or chance. I needed to know I didn’t make a mistake when I didn’t knock on Keara’s door. The drive gave me a lot of time to consider all of this and made me realize that the only way to know one way or another would be to experience it. Pregnant or not…my child or not…whether we were right or wrong for each other or not Michelle and I had something and we needed to figure out exactly what it was. And that’s what we were going to do. I think in some ways it was